Happy Birthday! And? This just feels weird.

This morning, it hit me — this wave of loss.  Tears popped up; I choked them back.  Tears popped up again (like they do), and this time, I let them roll a little bit.

I’ve been basically holding it together, going through the needed day-by-day transitions.  I’ve worked to rearrange our daily lives and adjust to the “new” normal (or whatever this is).  And?  every time, I’ve wandered to the place of worry about tomorrow … or any time except the present … I’ve recalled my heart and mind back to the present.  It’s all I have right now, and where God is calling me to be.

But, this morning, this wave of loss just rolled over and through me and down my cheeks.

photo of pineapple wearing black aviator style sunglasses and party hat
Photo by Pineapple Supply Co. on Pexels.com

It’s my husband’s birthday.  In the Dutch family life that I married into … birthday’s are everything.  And this year, his sister and family were all going to be here to celebrate.  Cards, gifts, special dinner, cake – these festivities and more – they go on and on.  It’s a wonderful celebration of life in the Dutch home.

But this year – it feels very different.  It feels lonely and quiet.  His sister and kids weren’t able to get on the plane.  His parents are sheltering-in-place safely in their home.  Earlier this week, the kids and I weren’t able to go shopping for gifts and a few cards.  If it wasn’t for my Dutch MIL sharing the importance of “birthday’s” with my older daughter, I’m not sure that I would have gotten it together to even make a card!  My daughter really rallied to the cause, and helped me get the job done!

Because?  It all just feels so different and weird.  

In the midst of the “new normal,” the different, the weird, here’s what I am relying on:

  • Brené Brown’s new podcast “Unlocking Us” which is SO SO SO good.  Check it out here:  “Unlocking Us” podcast
    • And?  If you have listened already…
      • “I DON’T THINK ANY OF US HAVE GONE THROUGH A WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC BEFORE.”  that quote alone will carry me through at least another few days.
  • Daily yoga & a new walking/running routine with my kids
  • Taking to God in prayer this question again and again: how are you calling me to be present this day?  How can I be of use?
  • Blogging, hosting discipleship Zoom small groups & trying out FB livestream yoga
  • Baking, sewing, being present with my kiddos
  • Texting friends 🙂
  • Listening to the community.  Praying some more.
    • This is the verse for my day and everyday from Philippians 4:7:  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
  • Updating myself on current news (from only one trusted source) as I need to – working to be the aware citizen and community leader … then taking needed breaks from it.
  • Checking social media only periodically, and carefully at that.

This is me just saying life isn’t normal and we all (likely) need to allow loss to have its time, to allow a few tears to roll.

Because?  It all just feels so different and weird.  

Together in peace,


2 thoughts on “Happy Birthday! And? This just feels weird.

  1. I remember one year when Johan had to stay at StPaul’s for a board meeting and miss his birthday celebration with you and the family. You arranged for me to pick up donuts(?) at a special shop to surprise him. Fond memories keep surfacing these days. Be well, friend. Lynne

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